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the reality of abba, part 3

THE REVIEW
after reviewing part two of this discussion i have decided that i wish not to conclude the discourse here. for so much has been left unsaid. however, to continue i feel deeply inadequate in my expression on the topic, so i must needs share with you a story. herein is an account of my earliest memories of my dear Father. as we begin, you will recall that i was born blind and deaf. in fact, this man that i now call Father is not the father of my birth. for i was adopted. these words my Father penned regarding his first encounter with me:

“your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised. Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood…I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.”1

THINGS I REMEMBER
the very day of this heroic rescue, my Father brought me into His house. He began to nurse me back to health, even restoring portions of my handicapped faculties, my hearing and sight, etc. i even eat at His table soon after i was weaned. yet, my heart was hard. even at a young age i despised correction and my Father's love. one morning i remember breaking fast with my Father at his table. before me was placed a meal fit for kings, but i abhorred the food set before me. so taking my drink i tossed it into the air. i lobbed apples at Father as if they were toy balls and not fruit. even as i destroyed the dining room dear Father looked at me with love. when my intended destruction was complete i looked about to see the mess i had made and i wept. for though i was young i new my heart was filled with evil. Father, however, saw no such thing. He only came to me and embraced me as He whispered, "it is alright my child, you are mine you will never disappoint me."

THINGS I WISH TO FORGET
these escapades did not decrease as i grew older. in fact, their number grew. the older i grew the fouler i became. blessed with so many of my adopted Father’s riches i used them as a license for lasciviousness. i exploited my brothers and mocked my sisters within my own home. when i was old enough i began to delve into promiscuity. i sought sexual favor from the people of my Father's kingdom. again from his journal read:

"you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. You lavished your favors on anyone who passed by and your beauty became his. You took some of your garments to make gaudy high places, where you carried on your prostitution. You engaged in prostitution with the Egyptians, your lustful neighbors, and provoked me to anger with your increasing promiscuity. …the daughters of the Philistines…were shocked by your lewd conduct. You engaged in prostitution with the Assyrians too, because you were insatiable; and even after that, you still were not satisfied. Then you increased your promiscuity to include Babylonia, a land of merchants, but even with this you were not satisfied."2

oh how my Father's heart must have ached. oh how His tears must have wetted His pillow at night to hear me just out side His castle wall selling myself for trinkets. and through all of this my heart became only more calloused. so that i ceased to sell myself for money, i began to give my self away and worse. of this Father wrote:

"Every prostitute receives a fee, but you give gifts to all your lovers, bribing them to come to you from everywhere for your illicit favors. So in your prostitution you are the opposite of others; no one runs after you for your favors. You are the very opposite, for you give payment and none is given to you."

i had sunk to the lowest of society. oh the heights from which i had fallen. once the child of the King, now worse than a whore. yet all the while, night after dark night, Father watched with love and longing, always just around the corner ready to receive me if only i would cry out.

TRUTH UNFORETTABLE
then one day i broke. all of the world i was building came crashing in like the rushing torrent of ashes from which i had built my own kingdom. all of a sudden i saw, possibly for the first time, the wretch that i was. i realized the horror that i had brought to the heart of dear Father and i cried out from the deepest part of my soul. at the very moment the cry left my lips He was there. he caught me even as my legs gave way under the weight of my own debauchery. there in the dimming evening light He spoke tenderly to me,

"[Your Father has] taken away your punishment...the King...is with you; never again will you fear any harm...The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. The sorrows...I will remove from you; they are a burden and a reproach to you. At that time...I will rescue [you]...I will give... [you] praise and honor in every land where... [you] were put to shame. At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes,"

how amazing this love that i know! how deep and unending is His mercy for me. though i commit the most traitorous of crimes, He has forgiven me and made me His own once again.



1. Ezekiel 16:6-8
2. Ezekiel 16:15-30
3. Ezekiel 16:33-34
4. Zephaniah 3:15-20

the reality of Abba, part 2

after some days of reviewing my former comments on the nature of my Father, i feel it necessary expound further upon this topic. for, so few of His children know and understand the terrible dichotomy that is both divine love of good and divine hatred of evil. allow me to begin my quoting my brother, as i will do frequently herein, who wrote at length as to the nature of our Father.

“God is the only comfort, He is also the supreme terror: the thing we most need and the thing we most want to hide from. He is our only possible ally, and we have made ourselves His enemies.” (1)

First, as i have previously stated, Abba is good, but never safe. you see, if i were completely without sin my Father would be to me nothing but the purest of bliss. yet i am not of that disposition. in fact, i am of the opposite and completely contrary disposition. i am completely evil. no thought, motive, or action that i am capable of is free from the arsenic of evil. even my best intentions are laced with pride. though often hidden from even my own understanding, sin exists in every corner of my being. this sin is in direct opposition to the Father that i claim to love so very dearly; thus, making us the greatest enemies of the only One who would offer us aid in our dilapidated estate. for this reason we once faced our Father with GREAT fear. to quote again my brother,

“Some people talk as if meeting the gaze of absolute goodness would be fun. They need to think again. They are still only playing with religion. Goodness is either the great safety or the great danger-according to the way you react to it. And we have reacted the wrong way.” (2)

Perhaps then, you perceive the problem. simply put it is this: My Father is all good. being all good by definition means that He must hate all that is evil. i am that very evil personified. there cannot be mercy without compensation for the wrongs He has suffered on account of my existence, for to excuse evil would imply that he himself is not completely good, but only partially good. for, only one who can accept evil can rationally pardon it without atonement.

left here, our fate would be a dismal one indeed, but this is not the end. in fact, it is not even the beginning. but, that is for another day.

bloodcovered


(1) Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis
(2) ibid.

the reality of my state

WE ARE BORN
there is a widely known, but little recognized fact about my life. i was born blind and deaf; for all intents, numb to the world in which i inhabited. it was from that retarded oblivion i was reduced after only three years. yet there was a problem. my sight restored i began to see that i lived among the blind. my hearing repaired i heard nothing but the voice of my Father and the mindless groaning of a race unaware of their own pitiful state. it was then that i learned that my handicaps were of my own device. it was then that i learned i had chosen the state from which i had so recently been saved. and it was then that i began to sink again into the numbing pseudo-reality into which i was born.

WE LIVE
this fog that envelopes all of mankind brings a sick comfort to those it surrounds. though our world is vast and beautiful, man seems terrified of the unknown. and so we slash our eyes and puncture our ears so that the true reality will be held at bay. for those who have never perceived the light, our planet seems quite small and their own existence rather large. however, those who have tasted of the sweet redemptive vision know that they inhabit a dreadfully beautiful universe. and it is just that, dread, that drives us to holiness. this fear of what we cannot control must needs drive us to embrace denial or to reject ourselves. for the One who set the stars in space rules them with an eye that perceives every living thing.


""Aslan a man? Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion-- the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh!" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he--quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about being safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."


not safe, but good. and so we must face a fearful, but boundlessly good reality from which our primary temptation is to run.

WE DIE
this reality is fleeting, yet will one day be the only reality we know. whether by fire or flight we will know the realness of our own eternity. On this topic I shall write again.

The reality of Abba

THE FATHER
my Father is a beastly man, yet so loving that one might forget to fear His character, neglecting to give him the respect He deserves. merely to gaze upon Him strikes a blow to His foe. to witness it, you would be left without breath at the pure force of His rage. yet, His love for His children is equally as powerful and equally as devastating. the force of his love destroys. but only the fear. this love cleanses one from the enemy within.

THE INTERCEPTION
yesterday, even as I witnessed Cancer pursuing the breath of my bride I cried out to my Father for help. no sooner had I begun to speak, did he appear at my back. and after only a moment I felt His mighty frame begin to stir. as I turned to see what was afoot I beheld something most amazing. like a mighty lion, Father sprang between that beast and my bride, blocking his path to my beloved. with a mighty ROAR He set Cancer on his ear and my fears were wholly dispelled. though I may be helpless, my Father is a mighty warrior who keeps His children's lives in the safety of His will.

THE AFTERMATH
Cancer is not dead. he may yet rise to challenge, yet he will not challenge me nor my love. he will challenge Almighty and he will never win. caitie and I await that day, but we have no fear for we rest in the shadow of the Lion of the Tribe of Judah. knowing that we are the new Judah, we will never need fear Cancer. we will not fear even Death himself, for he was defeated when this Lion was sacrificed for our lives.

bloodcovered

The reality of Cancer

love is a mysterious thing. it is something that we all need yet, something that so few of us know. for those who find true love the sweet rapture will never last, for we are surrounded by death and chaos. oh to what a sad end we traverse if we know not eternity.

THE HISTORY
for this man, the thief that threatens love, is named Cancer. ever since I was a boy I have know of his dastardly escapades. how he robs the young and the old. how he reaves life from the guilty and innocent alike. as a young man he was of great help to me. you see, he destroyed a great enemy of mine, my grandfather. this man of my own bloodline was the apotheosis of all I hated. the pain that he had caused my family brought me such misery as I have never known. this suffering drove me to wild plans of homicide and torture that would rival in his life the suffering that he had caused the ones I loved. so, you might imagine my wonder and relief, then when old Cancer beat me to the punch. in honesty it was not much of a surprise when I thought it through. grandfather had invited Cancer to live with him on many occasions and often the two would spend hours enjoying a smoke on the porch or some other vice while abroad. to me it all seemed quite fair. though grandfather's death hurt the family, for me it meant an end to the ongoing suffering, an end to the fear. for this I thanked old Cancer and we went our separate ways.

THE REALITY
this morning when I awoke heard Cancer's dastardly cry just outside my hearts window. when I opened the window to chastise the fellow it was me who received a blow. for there only just beyond his shriveled fingers was the body of my dearest love. there in the dim morning light I saw him crawling toward my wife. "NO!" I screamed in a panicked frenzy, yet as I launched toward the villain it was only moments until I realized he was far my better. wresting being proved of no avail, I resorted to shouting. "THIS IS NOT FAIR! I DID NOT BID YOU COME THIS TIME!" I half shouted half cried. "DON'T YOU SEE, THIS ONE DOES NOT DESERVE IT!" but, Cancer seemed to pay me no mind. His eyes fixed on my bride. what was I to do? knowing that no weapon made by human hands could kill the felon I sat firmly down and began to weep. unable to keep the life of my beloved beyond the icy grasp of this menacing murderer. I am the one thing a man hopes never to be...

completely helpless I sit in this window now, weeping so that it would shame even a child. for in our souls are we not all children? our strength is so often exaggerated and overstated. our wisdom so often over-inflated with the growing of our ego. yet, this child has only to plead with his Father.

DADDY, I am yours, all that I have is yours I live in your house and eat the food from your table. I have married a bride from your line, yet now I am so afraid. I am so scared that you do not know the future. I fear that maybe your hand in not so sovereign as I once thought. you alone know the depths of my loneliness before Caitie came to me and now I fear that again. if you let this thief, Cancer, steal her from my very arms I know that you will still be good. only, I am so afraid. I am so weak and I am so aware of everything that I lack. I trust now only in you. be good as you have promised. do only that witch will bring honor to your holy name. though these words cut me to the core I pray only what will bring you the most honor. for you deserve all the glory for you have ransomed men with your life. to you be all glory, though it cost me all I hold dear.

bloodcovered